My cable internet bill recently went up another ten dollars a month.
The reason?
They “upgraded” me to their 1 Gig Internet Plan.
Sounds fantastic.
There’s just one problem.
When I run a speed test, I usually get somewhere between 600 and 700 Mbps.
Naturally, I called the company.
That’s when they directed me to the fine print.
“Speeds up to 1 Gig.”
Ah yes…
Those two magical words.
Up to.
Apparently, “1 Gig” doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll ever actually see one gig.
It got me thinking…
What if every business advertised the same way?
🕒 Open 24 Hours
“We’re open 24 hours!”
Just…
not consecutively.
⭐ Five-Star Hotel
“Stay at our five-star hotel!”
We’re not currently a five-star hotel.
But we’re certainly optimistic.
🚚 Same-Day Delivery
“We guarantee same-day delivery!”
We’ll absolutely deliver it on a Thursday.
Just…
not this Thursday.
🚗 60 Miles Per Gallon
“Gets up to 60 MPG!”
Assuming:
- you’re coasting downhill,
- there’s a strong tailwind,
- the air conditioner is off,
- nobody else is in the car,
- and the engine isn’t doing much.
🍩 Freshly Baked
“Our doughnuts are freshly baked!”
They absolutely were.
Last Tuesday.
☕ World’s Best Coffee
“Home of the World’s Best Coffee!”
According to the owner.
His mom agrees.
🍔 Fast Food
“Hot, fresh food in under three minutes!”
Yours took twenty-seven.
But somebody’s was ready in three once.
So technically…
📶 High-Speed Wi-Fi
“High-speed Wi-Fi available!”
Available?
Yes.
High-speed?
Let’s not get carried away.
🌐 Back to My Internet
Now, I understand there are variables.
Wi-Fi signals.
Network traffic.
Distance from the router.
The neighbor streaming three movies while attending a Zoom meeting.
I get it.
But if I’m paying for a 1 Gig plan, I’d kind of like to see a speed test that starts with the number 1 every once in a while.
Otherwise, it’s like ordering a dozen doughnuts and opening the box to find eight.
When you complain, the clerk simply smiles and says,
“We said up to twelve.”
🤔 Final Thoughts
Maybe “up to” is the greatest phrase ever invented by a marketing department.
It allows companies to promise almost anything…
without actually promising anything.
It’s brilliant.
It’s frustrating.
And now that I’ve noticed it…
I’m probably going to start seeing it everywhere.
😄 Closing Line
On the bright side…
I’m planning to write UP TO one new blog post this week.
.
